Sunday, April 01, 2007

Body Talk II

Sunday, April 1 ~ Santa Fe, New Mexico

As I lie in bed this morning nursing a cold that I know to be fear-induced, I recall words that first came through me four years ago in the Melchizedek-inspired Book of Messages:

Self-consciousness is your ego mind’s protection against the very force and beauty of your power. So look at those areas in your life where you carry self-consciousness and know that in those areas have you the greatest power.

I think of this as I ponder Batman Begins, the movie I watched last night. In the 2005 film we discover the caped crusader's origins and learn how Bruce Wayne's greatest fear -- of bats -- becomes his greatest strength.

I think too of the unconscious truth I uttered a few days ago when describing my cold to a friend: "It's all in my head," I declared, then laughed, realizing what I'd said.

Both the cold and the fear underlying it are, truly, in my head. As uncomfortably real as the symptoms feel in this moment, they're manifestations of my reluctance to fully embrace my greatest strength and power.

And my greatest desire.

You see, the symptoms kicked in pretty much the moment I arrived back in Santa Fe Wednesday for a projected ten-week stay. The purpose of this sojourn? To launch LightLines Media, my vehicle for publishing and marketing my novel, The MoonQuest (see my 3/27/07 newsletter, Manifestation: Beyond "The Secret").

Yet I don't think I realized just how scared I was until Friday, when it was time to e-mail the manuscript to the designers who will be creating the cover and laying out the book's interior.

In that moment, I knew that however overwhelmed I might feel at the prospect of launching this publishing enterprise alone, the true source of my fear was the same as that of the The MoonQuest's main character.

"It is time," Toshar is told in the book's opening lines, "to set The MoonQuest on parchment...to fix it in ink, to set the truth down for all to read.”

It's funny. Over the years I've sent versions of the manuscript to agents and publishers. I even had an agent for a time who pitched it relentlessly. For a while, I excerpted it for free on my web site and made it available for sale as an eBook. So why be so fearful now?

Two reasons:

• Every other version was subject to change. Revisions were always possible. I could always go back and make it better. Now, as was Toshar, I'm being called to fix it in ink and type, to stop it in time, to say, "This is The MoonQuest in its final form," to give up the illusory goal of making it perfect, to open myself to the judgment (and praise) of the world.

• Every other version was untold steps away from my greatest desire: a final, printed book with the potential to reach, touch and transform many. This process of self-publishing is the closest I have ever come to realizing that goal.

And so the parts of me that fear my power, that fear others' judgment, that are deeply self-conscious of the story that birthed through me and of the particular words that now form that story, is crying out to be noticed, to be reassured, to be loved...and is doing so through yet more body talk.

My call is to not let myself be paralyzed by fear or its physical manifestations. My call is to push ahead despite the doubts and second-guessing, to love all parts of myself through this initiation and to assure them that they are safe, secure and protected.

There is no safety in hiding. There is no security in turning down the wattage of my power and light. There is no protection in the kind of armoring that conceals my truth.

Walk the earth naked, clothed only in your truth.

Those words came to me a decade ago on the rocky shores of Lake Huron's Georgian Bay. Three thousand miles and many lifetimes later, they are as valid here in Santa Fe (a city whose name means Holy Faith), as I launch Lightlines and The MoonQuest.

One final note: When I complained about how overwhelming it felt to be putting The MoonQuest out by myself, a wise friend reminded me that there's no such thing as self-publishing.

"You're co-creating with Spirit all the time!" she rightly insisted.

So I'm dropping the term self-publishing from my vocabulary. The correct term is now Higher Self-Publishing!

And the journey continues.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Dear Mark David,

I so appreciate your message this morning about the way your fear manifested a head cold.

This past weekend I was delivered a huge shock.
And by this morning I had worked back around to beefing up my courage, knowing I am big enough, (and bigger than I realize) to take on the changes my life is presenting to me right now.

My Mom and I bought a house together and moved in Jan 1st. It was a very scary proposition for me from the get-go. I tried to not buy this house, the first one that came pretty close to our requirements and desires......told the realtor it was way out of my price range...and for 60 more days we scoured our region and every house was in worse condition than the last......it was very depressing.

We finally realized all doors had been closed except the one we began with.....and it was still way more debt than I felt I could commit to or take on.

We found a way to finance the house so together we could split the expenses all around, which made me believe perhaps this house could work for both of us. I especially loved the garage converted space that would afford me a place to do my artwork.

Here we are 3 months into our lives together and Mom has decided she cannot live with me and 6 cats! She has asked our realtor to get her a little house like she had before, preferably in the same neighborhood where she was.

At first I was shocked, hurt, felt rejected and abandoned, and could not believe she would leave me with this huge house payment and all the other bills, to manage on my own. And her breaking her word with me really shocked me, as the entire arrangement had been her idea in the first place.

She did promise to continue to pay half the house payment, as well as her own, but on her tiny soc.sec. income I felt that would be too hard on her. She assured me she would find a way, and I know she would have, and yet I felt very uncomfortable with the whole idea.

I worked through my anger and disappointment and consulted my spiritual mentors and came to the feeling in my heart that this could be viewed as an immense opportunity for me to get on with becoming .....an artist....the powerful woman I am...could be...etc.

It was a strange and convoluted way Spirit had of bringing me to the kind of space I needed to support my life path....and all I needed to do was get over my fear, work through my fear, experience and accept as graciously as possible how Spirit set me up closer to my present job, with a larger house with spaces I really needed. I got out of my cramped and malfunctioning tiny house to a better place, nearer my Dad, so I can include him more in my life.

On all sides my life can now be even more blessed....and I am getting excited that some where inside me I am acknowledging and manifesting a new level of prosperity for myself....which was one of my issues when you and I had a session last year.

I want to thank you for "confirmation" that I saw, and validation of my own inner power.......how your writing about your fears regarding your book coming into real being was validating for me in my process. I am inspired and feel like I heard the voice of an angel saying, just go on and walk your path, and leave the details to Spirit.......

On Sunday morning I was able to release my Mother from her part of the debt we took on. I told her I knew she felt she had made a mistake and sometimes we do that...all of us. And then at times we have to change our commitment and go another direction....so I released her from our agreement.

Moments later I started getting all these ideas about how that house could be the greatest thing that has come my way since my divorce in 98. I began to see the opportunities presenting themselves, and to appreciate that it was Mom's idea to do this in the first place...and in a strange and convoluted way she pulled me out of the hole I was in and set me up with a new vista. Or may I say, I created it all myself and made it look like it was her???

So now I can own it....where I am....and where I am going....whatever that looks like. I feel ready for the unfolding.

Thank you for Being there for me.
Thank you for Being!
Love, Carol

Mark David Gerson said...

Dear Carol,

What an inspiring story!

Keep on keepin' the faith! Sounds to me like you're doing great and are right on track!

Blessings, always,
Mark David

Kent said...

Mark David
Thank you for agreeing to Walk the Earth naked! While you've most assuredly violated several local ordinances your adherence to the cosmic mandate pardons you for certain.
I truly look forward to purchasing one of the first copies of MoonQuest - it has been wonderful to share this dream and to watch you and the book evolve. I just started rereading The Book of Messages again and as always it hits me between the eyes like a 2 by 4.
Because you play such a deliberately critical role in my recent "undoing" I thought I would share it. About a week ago I was creating exercises for a small group of us that get together to explore metaphysics and just to have fun. What came to me was to to have us all go inside and find the most powerful fear that we hold and see what story surrounded it. Immediately after I thought of this exercise I had the vision of a young boy standing alone in a dark foreboding wooded area. The boy was terrified - alone and unsure. There was a feeling of not knowing how he had got there or where he had come from. It was as if he had been dropped here from some other "place" but with no memory of what that "place" was. There was nothing to go upon or move towards - it felt as though he were the only thing that existed in the Universe and it was terrifying as there was no safety.
Of course that boy is me. But, in that moment I found more love, self acceptance and compassion for myself then I have ever known. I have been pretending not to be afraid; all the while terrified to my core. The gift I was given was honesty and compassion for myself while being able to offer this fear as a sacrifice to my REAL self. This fear of being alone can not survive in the light of Oneness; our real identity. I am willing to surrender this fear to come to a knowingness, the rememberance of who I AM.
And what a tremendous laugh we have when we lift the veil and see the truth of ourselves! "Can you believe we thought this"? "How fun! Can we go and play again!?" The time is now that we come to lift the veil while still in this physical form. But! We must be willing to give up that which we think we are. If we are not willing to embrace and release the fear we cannot pierce the veil and laugh the good laugh.
Two days ago I was driving down the road (in my own enchanted Mitsubishi) when I was called to Africa. I have never really even wanted to visit Africa so this is surprising to "me" This feels like it will include surrendering most of my possessions and moving there; possibly to a conflict area.. I had just finished extensive interviews with a corporation to take on a training job here in Los Angeles that pays extremely well, holds great benefits and reflects most of the security I think I should have. But, that is simply an illusion of security. I would only be adding more cloaks to myself to create an idea that I am ok.
The truth of me is what is calling me to Africa. The truth is terrifying to "me" but underneath it is the greatest peace I have ever known for it is surrender and trust in the knowingness that "all is well". If I am attached to my cloaks then I become the illusion that I Am them. So I say Yes. I say yes to surrendering the cloaks and offering them as sacrifices to the All That Is. I say Yes to walking the earth naked - to shining my light as bright as I can and going to the darkest recesses. I will enter the forest for I am never alone. You are with me and I with you.
I thank God for you!
Kent

Mark David Gerson said...

Dear Kent,

I was very moved by your story and by your willingness to walk in your truth wherever it takes you.

That's the true sign of a master.

I honor, salute and celebrate your courage, your commitment and your divinity as it merges so seamlessly with your human self.

Blessings, always,
Mark David