No More Pain by Numbers

Wednesday, March 8, 2006 — Santa Fe, New Mexico

I wake up in that stupor that comes of three nights of deeply disturbed sleep. Spirit, it seems, prefers the night shift.

Groggily, I reach for my glasses and bathrobe and find my way, after more pressing needs, to the computer. What greets me are 10 new e-mails, five of which are notices of newsletter subscribers who have joined the ranks of the unsubscribed.

As the day progresses, that number doubles.

It's not uncommon for me to be greeted by unsubscribe notices the morning after a newsletter has gone out. Ten, however, breaks all the previous records.

My first reaction is dismay and self-doubt, also not unusual when faced with what, on the surface, appears as rejection.

In the past, that sentiment would have lingered, souring my day.

Today, I notice, is different. Today I realize that this round of canceled subscriptions has blessed me with an opportunity to respond differently and see things differently.

That realization alone shifts my mood and opens me to yet more awareness.

That enhanced awareness recalls to mind this quote from management guru Tom Peters: If 20 percent of the people aren't against you, then you're not going anyplace interesting, whether you're name is Martin Luther King Jr. or whether you're a dorky management guru.

I recall too that as I leap forward in consciousness — and express that through my words and work — I'm going to push some buttons, particularly for those who aren't yet ready for those experiences.

I have lunch today with someone who shares his own version of that story: He is moving in one direction and his colleagues on a particular project are not at that same frequency. It's causing friction and will likely lead to a parting once this project is complete.

There's no judgment in my situation or his...or yours. We all move at varying rates and all our alignments — with writers, teachers, music, art, jobs, individuals, etc. — are in constant flux.

When we grow out of a relationship or job, there's an energetic reason: Our frequencies are no longer a match. The balance is gone. And unless one component or another in that balance shifts to restore the old balance or create a new one, the situation — whatever it is — grows increasingly untenable.

The break can come easily or with struggle. Or we can resist it and try to live the imbalance, in which case it shows up in our physical or emotional health.

That doesn't make one party better than another. I'm not a better person than those who no longer believe my work serves them. I'm not special, and neither are they.

We are each walking our path to the best of our ability in each moment, making the best decisions we can from that place.

And the best possible decision is one that holds us at the highest resonance we can sustain, particularly in the face of unpleasantness.

By the end of the day, as the last of the unsubscribe notices trickles in, I'm surprised by how much lighter, freer and emotionally clear I feel.

I'm gratified that I can now see everyone's perfection in the situation and that I no longer choose to take it personally.

But in a strange way, I'm also pleased by the notices themselves.

Whatever the reasons for each individual's decision, the cancellations represent for me a shedding of what no longer serves me. Just, as I'm certain, it represents the same for them.

As I move forward on my journey, I choose to carry with me only that which is as aligned as best it can be to my passion and purpose...to the expression of my heart's desire. And when I don't know how to shed any part of what weighs me down, I choose to be grateful when it is removed for me.

Of course I want people to read and be affected by my words, to experience and be affected by my work.

Yet all I can do is be as true to my words and work as I can, to be as aligned with my highest self as I can. I can't control what happens after that. I can't make you like me for it, even as less evolved parts of me would prefer that outcome. And whether you do or not can't stop me from moving forward, from taking those leaps of consciousness that are mine to take.

And so as this day ends, I find myself grateful to those 10 individuals for being my teachers, for propelling me yet more fully into my mastery through their actions.