Friday, April 14, 2006

Looking Ahead

Friday, April 14, 2006 ~ Santa Fe, New Mexico

It's fascinating for me to observe my behavior and emotions as I prepare to leave Santa Fe within the next day or so.

Frankly, it's been stressful. Not because leaving is the wrong thing to do. On the contrary, I couldn't be more certain that it's time move on.

Human beings are peculiar creatures. Even the changes we seek most ardently cause us stress, as we are pushed to trade the known for the less-known. And as adaptable as we are, tiny shifts in routine can be discomfiting, even when they appear to return us to an earlier way of being.

When I first decided to remain in Santa Fe after more than a year of full-time life on the road, the prospect of emptying my car and unpacking all its bags, bins and crates was daunting.

Most of my 51 years have been lived under the roof of an immovable structure — a house, apartment or condominium. Yet returning to that lifestyle after a year on four wheels didn't come easily. It took me weeks to fully empty the car and unpack its contents into the cupboards, closets and drawers of my new abode.

Today, even with the memory of nearly 14 months of traveling still fairly fresh, it is difficult to contemplate a return to the road. It's taken me an angst-filled week to sort through, pack and load my few belongings, a process that under calmer circumstances could have been completed in a day or two.

There's no self-judgment there. Recognizing the emotional impact of this move, I allowed plenty of time for this latest Operation Exodus.

I realize now, with the car mostly packed, that what appears identical on the surface couldn't be more different. I'm not returning to the life on the road I suspended 11 weeks ago. Nor am I leaving Santa Fe in the same manner I left Sedona.

When I left Sedona in the wake of a marriage breakup, all that mattered was the leaving. The focus was on driving away from an unhappy past. Destination, in the moment, was irrelevant.

As I depart Santa Fe, it's not about what I'm leaving behind but what I'm moving into: an unknowable future.

It's no accident that this leave-taking occurs as I'm in the midst of facilitating a teleconference series on mastery. As I guide participants into the next levels of their mastery, I do the same for myself.

I don't know what that next level of mastery means for me or what it looks like, which is stressful to my human self. I do know that it will be magnificent, joyful and abundant beyond my imagining — to the extent that I'm able to surrender to the journey, which is the journey beyond imagination.

This departure from Santa Fe is part of that journey. It's the journey to the unknown star I created in Monday's drawing. It's the journey into the infinite...the ineffable...the Divine.

Like all such journeys, it challenges the human attachment to control. Like all such journeys, it acknowledges the heart's desire to soar.

If you're following my novel, The MoonQuest, itself a tale of the journey into mastery, new free installments were added to my web site on April 9.

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