Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Ready, Set, Go!

Saturday, April 1, 2006 ~ Santa Fe, New Mexico

Tomorrow I give the inspirational talk at Santa Fe's Celebration Sunday service. Today, I'm experiencing a level of anxiety far out of proportion to the situation.

Let's be frank. I'm terrified.


Well, at a superficial level, there really is no reason.

Even though I have no idea what I will say (which hasn't stopped me from spending the past 24 hours trying to figure it out), I have spoken frequently with neither text nor notes.

None of my teleconferences has ever been scripted. Neither has any of my in-person events. With those, as is the plan with tomorrow's talk, I have a topic (more for promotional convenience than any other reason), I connect with my heart, I connect with those present and I surrender.

I've even given a Sunday service talk before.

In 2003, my ex-wife, our friend Isa de Quesada and I started a Sunday service in Sedona.

At the outset, Isa gave the talk and I did the sound.

As the Sunday of the Harmonic Concordance weekend approached, Isa asked me to speak in her place so she could focus on the retreat she was facilitating that weekend.

I did, so successfully that we agreed that I would take over that part of the service.

Each of the subsequent Sundays demanded of me a new level of surrender as I moved from a developed text to fewer and fewer notes. On the final Sunday we offered the service, I walked up to the lectern with nothing but a topic...and a nervous stomach.

When I sat down, even though the congregants applauded graciously, I felt tinier than an ant.

To my mind, I had never given so unfocused and disjointed a presentation. I kept waiting for my wife to say something reassuring, but she remained silent.

"Oh God," I groaned inwardly. "It must be even worse than I think."

Finally, I found the courage to ask.

"I thought you knew," she replied in astonishment. "That was the most powerful thing I've ever heard you do!"

Of course it was, I now know, because I spoke from the heart and surrendered completely to whatever was coming through me.

So why am I barely functional today when I've done it all before?

One reason is that tomorrow's talk represents a new level of surrender, the loss of yet another layer of control.

All my teleconferences and events have been my teleconferences and events. I've been in charge. I've been in control.

Tomorrow, I lose that illusion of control as I fill a time-specific slot in someone else's event.

But it's deeper than that.

For as long as I have been a conscious, awake adult, I have always seen myself using the power of my words to inspire large numbers of people. Through my writing, certainly. But even more through the spoken word.

When the call came to suspend my regular teleconferences, part of me knew that my work with sound was moving aside, at least in part, to make way for this long-held vision.

Tomorrow, represents a kickoff of sorts to the next level of that vision. It's also the fruit of one of life's unintentional synchronicities.

By the time I got to Santa Fe two months ago, I was so focused on my work with sound that I chose not to pursue a speaking opportunity with The Celebration, even though we had been trying to slot me into the service schedule for more than a year.

Spirit had other plans, as it so often does.

A miscommunication prompted to the speaker coordinator to offer me tomorrow's date.

When I accepted back in February, sound was still my primary focus.

Now it's not. Now, tomorrow turns out to be the ideal foundation stone for what's next in my life.

My topic? Spring Ahead Into Your Mastery.

No wonder I'm scared! I'll be doing it as I speak about it.

Yet even through the fear, I know that my words and their impact will be as powerful tomorrow as my ability to surrender. And I know that I will surrender. There's no other choice.

Before I go to bed (much more relaxed in the wake of a friend's telephone pep talk), I once again reach for Doreen Virtue's Magical Mermaid and Dolphin Deck.

As I shuffle, I ask for a card that will speak to me about tomorrow's talk.

The card that falls out of the deck is Ready, Set, Go!

The fine print reads, "Now is the perfect moment to dive in and embrace your heart's desire."

I'm ready.

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